Till The Toe Tag

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood”.[The Animals] That’s a short summary of my life, always trying to do the right thing but fall short in doing so. Only because people don’t understand the method to my madness. Thus always leaving me doubtful, not because of something that I lack , but due to the abundance of… drum role please…people thinking and assuming I have an ulterior motive in my now benevolent nature. I say “two shits and a hockey puck to that. “ If you don’t know me , you don’t like me”.[Dwight Yoakum] The problem with living in today, now ,not yesterday or last year but the present. It’s that we have become a self righteous society. Pointing out everyone’s flaws but there own. They all seem to think they are without flaw or sin. “That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight ,loosing my religion”.[R.E.M] Well , whose they, you may ask that this story keeps reverting to. In this part or short glimpse into my life, “They” could very well be a Sister who only sees you through shit colored glasses, or one of three sons that has mistaken you for a walking mat or a Wells Fargo .Last but most definite not least the rest of your hypocritical family. I surely mean the aunts that belittled you every chance they got or the cousins, nieces, and nephews that never call. Not even if its a family emergency, crisis or even death. Oh but if the issue was money , they would without hesitation find you. Rather it being with smoke signals, telepathically, time machine or hell maybe even a seance, if the person that owes them the money is the one who has passed on. You can pick your nose , but you can’t pick your family. Let me take a moment to see where this is headed. I would like to point out the positives that make all those negatives bearable. Number one is God, he has been here for me through thick and thin and I don’t mean like the Oprah weight fluctuation ordeal. God, has been here for me when I felt like I was all alone in this fight. I thank you ,Sir for allowing me to serve you, in Jesus name, Amen. Now the number two reason is my aunt Lydia, for she loved me for me and not for who or what I was or wasn’t. She fell short in a lot of things but stood tall in knowing exactly how to make you feel welcomed and loved. Unlike the other Tias, that looked at there caller I.D. or out there window and pretended that they weren’t home. Reason number three, my cousin Belinda…”Birds of a feather, flock together”,[ Two Swallows in a Hurricane]Tanya Tucker…My cousin and I would party till the cows drove us home. I always seem to follow in her footsteps without knowing it . For some reason she always knew when something was bothering me, even without the slightest inclination from me. Something about her presence that made me feel that everything was going to be ok, even in places like prison where we shared some of our adventures. You see when your loved unconditionally by your peeps, even being in the shittiest places like prison can seem like an adventure. Only if they happen to be your ride or die cuz, like my cousin Bel…Die she did , five years after our stint in prison. She overdosed on that shit of a drug Xanax. It kills me when I think about it, I never thought that she would go out like that. Until we meet again, Cuz …I love you, Till The Toe Tag. The next positive in my life was my grandmother, the one that taught me everything I know. Her disciplinary skills were a little extreme but they worked . Her tactics ensued scruples in me. I will be more detailed about that in the book. Aside from that she showed me all the love in world, there wasn’t a day or minute that went by that I didn’t feel her love. She also taught me to love thy neighbor. If able to help an individual than why don’t you. It should be automatic she’d say, like breathing air. The irony that I have Asthma and COPD, but I digress. On a serious note my grandmother was my wonder woman, I saw her to be invincible, but she wasn’t. I learned that in the hardest way imaginable when I turned 17. Its when she had her stroke and she was put in a nursing home. My sister and I were left out in the cold to figure life out.The ride is over kiddo, this is where you get off. With a little giant thrust I was pushed off the train. My aunts made sure of that. I was left with nada. Came home from school the day after she was put into the nursing home just to find all of our belongings were on the curb. That was that ,no warnings,no explanation, no discussion of what had happened. Just read between the trash bags that lay in front of me. My pride , what was left of it, didn’t allow me to sift through the trash bags that contained my life, my childhood. In one swoop my aunts changed me. Up until then I was an innocent kid, now I would become this angry , violent , devil may care attitude like being. For the next 30 yrs I would live up to that with a vengeance. Took on some hard ,hard knocks that were presented, introduced or pushed on me but I never folded I can say proudly. Until that cursed day Jan 13 2022 , I’m presented with another major blow in my life. Just when I thought I had endured the most pain, solitudes, grim situations that life had to offer, I’m dealt with the death of my Mother. I thought up until then , that I could deal with anything…man I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life comes crashing down around me. My mommy is gone , [How Do I Live Without You] Trisha Yearwood… Never had I dealt with such hurt, pain,sorrow and despair like I did that cursed day. I presume that because of my age I handle my grandmothers death a lot easier. Or it goes without saying , you only have one mother in this world loosing her is like loosing a big chunk of your heart. There is no pain larger or greater of when you loose your mother. I miss you , and love you Mom. All the family that has loved me unconditionally are now gone. I am left with smoke signaling, time machine building, seance doing, shit colored glasses wearing ingrates of a familia. Time in all this has been a great friend, it heals all wounds. Its helped me get through it all. Time is something we seem to take advantage of just like we do our loved ones. Don’t let a day go by that you don’t tell your grandmother, your aunt, cousin or even your mother, how much you love them and what they mean to you . Have no regrets in how you treated them. In all this , don’t let the other half of your family get under your skin. Don’t let them fester in your gut and keep you from accomplishing to your fullest potential. Kill them with kindness like my mommy used to say. All that judging they have put and labeled on you will be done to them as well. The only difference is that they will be judged accordingly by the judge of all judges… God. What they have done in there godless, self righteous life will all be made apparent to them on judgement day. That alone is what helps me sleep at night…Good Night or Good Life…